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Volume 1, No. 7 - December 2001

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Bush-Musharraf Conversation on Kunduz Evacuation
Kashmir News Network Exclusive

In the days leading up to the surrender of the Taliban at Kunduz, numerous reports (including ones from New York Times and Wall Street Journal) indicated nightly landings of Pakistani military airplanes that evacuated an unknown number of Pakistani soldiers, including top commanders, from the city. These personnel had been part of the Taliban, and were actively participating in the defense of the city against the Northern Alliance. Both the Pakistani government and the Pentagon denied any knowledge of such evacuations.

In this exclusive segment, we report a conversation between Pakistani dictator Gen. Pervez Musharraf and US President Bush that preceded these evacuations.

[Note from KNN: Before Congressional and FBI investigations are started into who leaked out this classified conversation, we would like to clarify that it is merely our guess of the actual conversation that MAY or MAY NOT have taken place between the leaders of the two primary members of the global anti-terror coalition. This is the first in a series of articles that will attempt to view the post- September 11 global scenario through a satirical lens.]

Gen. Musharraf: President Bush, good morning, sorry to call you at this late time, but I need to ask you a big favor.

Pres. Bush: Go ahead, General. Colin Powell says you guys have been such great allies in my global anti-terror war. I will certainly consider any favor for you.

Gen. Musharraf: Sir, we have some personnel stuck in Kunduz, and I need to get them out before the Northern Alliance lays their hands on them.

Pres. Bush: Wait a minute, I thought you told me those Pakistanis were jehadis. Rumsfeld has already made clear to me he doesnít want them captured alive. If they escape, they will create more September 11s.

Gen. Musharraf: Sir, I should have told you this before. Many of them are actually my military commanders and intelligence agents.

Pres. Bush: What? Why didnít you tell me this before? I thought you said your military wasnít helping the Taliban after you guys joined my coalition.

Gen. Musharraf: WellÖ Some of them still are Ė you know how you say it in Texas Ė Old habits die hard.

Pres. Bush: Sorry General, I canít do much about this. No way can I convince Rumsfeld. Besides, havenít we given you enough goodies already? What did you do with that $600 million check I signed two weeks ago? Didnít you distribute it among your military leaders for their own pockets and for plotting more terrorism in Kashmir?

Gen. Musharraf: But Sir, my military command and ISI are really upset about this. It isnít about money. Those guys are their close buddies. If I donít get those guys out Ö you know the drill Ė instability, coup, nukesÖ

Pres. Bush: General, havenít you used that coup story a bit too often? People here arenít buying it any more. They are saying if you are so afraid of a coup why did you go on your New York trip recently. Do you have a better line this time?

Gen. Musharraf: No Sir, this really isnít a Ďcry wolfí this time. Hamid Gul and Mahmud Ahmed are seething and they told me my time would be up soon if the Northern Alliance massacres their friends.

Pres. Bush: Okay, okay, we donít want that. I know the Israelis canít wait to get to your nukes if that happens, but I donít know if they will find them all before one of your guys manages to fire a Ghauri at New Delhi. I will talk to Rumsfeld and explain to him that this is a national security situation.

Gen. Musharraf: I will be forever indebted to you Sir. I will even tell my border guards to pretend they are looking for Osama and Mullah Omar.

Pres. Bush: Sounds like a deal. But listen. We got to coordinate this. You guys go ahead and start the evacuations. Do it at night. I will tell Rumsfeld to make sure our fighters donít shoot down your planes. And donít leak anything out. If the story comes out, you guys deny it outright, and we will deny everything too. Gínight now. It may be a good morning for you but it is past my bedtime here.

Gen. Musharraf: Good night Sir. Thank you again for all these goodies.

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